


my kiss as a stranger

by strawberrydrops58



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Backstory, Bad Decisions, Canon Compliant, Denial, Drinking, Drunken Confessions, Drunken Kissing, Drunken Shenanigans, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Fights, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Lie Low At Lupin's, M/M, Marauders' Era Flashbacks, Pining, Post GoF, Post-Sirius Black in Azkaban, Protectiveness, Romance, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Shameless Smut, So Much Sexual Tension, bad decisions because of firewhisky, no i'm still not over wolfstar, remus and sirius fight because they secretly care about each other, remus denies his feelings and tries to be logical, remus just needs to give in to his feelings, sirius isn't down for that, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-07-04 11:19:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15840192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberrydrops58/pseuds/strawberrydrops58
Summary: Remus thinks that getting back together with Sirius is a terrible idea.  Sirius doesn’t think so.[Lie Low at Lupin’s fic - in which love can overrule a history of hurt.] Multi-chapter fic.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> the title is from ee cumming's poem "it is so long since my heart has been with yours"
> 
> disclaimer: i don't own HP - they belong to JKR. no copyright infringement intended!

The sun was slowly setting, although it was hardly visible in the grey sky.  Rain had been incessantly beating down for the entire day. Once night fell, the forest would grow even chillier, with wind and darkness winding through the wet trees.  Amidst these trees was a small, ramshackle cabin, miles away from human civilization.

Here, within the aged wooden walls, was where Remus Lupin dwelled. The man was currently pacing his bedroom.  He had been anxious for an entire day and a half, ever since he received Dumbledore’s owl - _Sirius will be staying with you for the time being.  Keep an eye out._

Sirius Black - one of Remus’s first friends.  His first crush. His first love. And on that terrible night, his third loss, right behind Lily and James.  

Thinking about him grew quickly overwhelming in too many ways.  Too many feelings of love, betrayal, grief, unearthed after years of numbing separation.  Remus eventually sighed and collapsed onto his bed, the rusty springs squeaking from his weight.  Outside, as the evening grew dark, the wind was growing more fierce, the rain pattering louder. A large gust of wind shook the cabin, and the walls groaned.  There was a loud creaking sound, which he guessed to be the wind.

Remus resolved to make himself a cup of tea; after all, in this weather, it might be a while more before Sirius makes it.  No use in just waiting around. He pushed himself off the bed and headed to the small kitchen. Rubbing his eyes wearily, Remus failed to take notice of the tall man with long black hair leaning against the wall.  Walking to the stove, Remus began to pour himself a cup of tea.

“Pleasure seeing you too, Moony.”

The teapot crashed to the floor as Remus let out an audible gasp.  Whipping around, he saw, for the first time in a year, the human form of Sirius Black.  Drenched from the rain, Sirius was as tall and imposing as ever, grey eyes glittering on his gaunt face.  The corner of Sirius’s mouth quirked into a smile at Remus’s fumblings.

With a trembling hand, Remus repaired the broken teapot and said, as evenly as he could,

“When did you get here, Sirius?  You alarmed me.” How like Sirius it was to barge into Remus’s life without warning.

“Not a minute ago,” Sirius replied.  “I was going to knock, but your lock is broken.”

_So that’s where the creaking sound came from._

“Is it?  I’ll see to it later.  Sit down, please, you must be exhausted,” Remus said, motioning to the kitchen table.  As he tried to play the gracious host, pouring tea and reheating stew with his wand, Remus’s mind was racing.   _He was alone with the man he had loved since they were teenagers, it had been fourteen years-_

“How’s Harry?” Remus asked, trying to start conversation.

“Harry?  Not great after his ordeal,” said Sirius, running a hand through his hair.  “That Crouch bloke didn’t help matters, either.” As Remus set down bread, bowls of stew, and cups of tea onto the table, Sirius recounted the madness that was the final Triwizard challenge.  Remus had known, of course, of Voldemort’s return, ever since receiving notice for the Order - however, hearing Harry’s first-hand experience of it made Remus feel a dread he hadn’t felt since the first war.  

“So, what do we do know?” asked Remus, who was now seated across the table.

“Wait till further notice from Dumbledore, I guess,” said Sirius, chewing on a piece of bread.

They ate in silence for a few minutes.  Remus stared worriedly at Sirius, at his matted hair, his lean frame.  

“And how have you been?” Remus asked.  “You know, er, being on the run and such.”

Sirius barked a laugh.

“It varies.  Foodwise, it goes from tropical fish to rats.  Once, this family took me in as their stray for a while.  But it got a bit better later in Hogsmeade, once Harry started sending me food packages-”

“You were in _Hogsmeade_?” Remus exclaimed.

“Yes, to look after Harry.  Someone was obviously out to get him-”

“Sirius, do you have any idea how risky that is?  What if you got caught?”

“Well, I didn’t, did I?” Sirius said, eyes challenging.  Remus pursed his lips, but didn’t comment further. Sirius was just as reckless as he remembered.  Remus tried not to think about the fact that it was that fearlessness, that bravery, that had made him so attracted to Sirius in the first place all those years ago.

 

 

\-----------------

 

 

Night soon fell, with stars adorning the lonely black sky.  The rain had abated, leaving behind a silent, dripping forest.  Having just taken a shower, Remus towels off his wet hair, putting on a soft, threadbare sweater and pants.   After changing, he padded around the cottage, looking for Sirius.

Remus found Sirius not within the cottage, but on the porch in the back of the house, drinking the large bottle of Firewhisky that had been in the back of Remus’s fridge, while gazing out at the lonely wilderness.  Remus opened the door and cleared his throat.

“Enjoying the view?”

Sirius turned around, grinned, and motioned Remus to join him.  He was wearing Remus’s old clothes, having changed out of his filthy Azkaban robes after showering.  The sight of it makes Remus’s stomach twist with pleasure. Despite the years of Azkaban and life on the run, Sirius never truly shed his good looks.  He still had those piercing eyes and high cheekbones that had enamored Remus for years. Remus tried not to focus on that thought. As Remus sat beside him, he noticed that Sirius had already drank a good amount of Firewhisky.  

The two sat in silence for a while, taking turns sipping Firewhisky.  After several minutes, each lost in their own thoughts, Sirius asked,

“How long have you lived in this place?”

“About a year.  Ever since, well, teaching at Hogwarts.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.  Can’t stay in one place too long, you know, with my condition.”

“You never settled down?”

“Not really, no.”

Sirius raised his eyebrows.

“No boyfriend, girlfriend, nobody you wanted to settle with?”

Remus’s laugh was bitter.

“Yes, because it’s every witch and wizard’s dream to be the partner of a poverty-stricken werewolf.  Besides, I don’t want to risk it.”

Sirius snorts.

“You’ve always been too selfless for your own good, Remus.”

Another long silence followed.  Somewhere in the distance, a dove softly cooed.  Crickets chirped and bugs hummed from the woods. Water dripped from tree leaves like silent tears, plopping onto the fragile roof above them.  This time, the silence between them is heavier. The weight of unspoken memories them grows stronger between them, and finally, Remus breaks the silence.

“Sirius.  I know that I said this last year at the Shack, but I really am sorry for assuming you betrayed Lily and James.  For all these years.” Remus bit his lip. “Even before the night they were killed.”

Sirius turned to face him, smile grim.

“Well, you don’t have much to apologize for, seeing as I suspected you just as much.”

Those were some of the many memories Remus didn’t like to think about.  Of the two of them in Sirius’s flat, a flat once filled with breathless happiness that soon grew to be filled with suspicion and mistrust.  A flat of questions and terse responses, of growing coldness and empty kisses, as Remus began to face the dreadful prospect that the boy that he loved and had worshipped for almost half his life was possibly a traitor to them all.

Now, as they sat under the stars, with thoughts growing more hazy, Remus wondered if he had ever stopped loving Sirius at all.

 

 

\--------------

 

 

It happened because of the Firewhisky.

It happened because of Firewhisky mixed with years of melancholy.

They had sat outside for hours, talking more as the bottle grew emptier.  Finally, when Sirius, who had drank more, began to slur his words slightly, Remus decided it was time to head inside.  Helping Sirius up, he let Sirius lean on him, ignoring the way the warmth and proximity made Remus’s tipsy head spin.

They had made it through the doorway when Sirius turned his body to face Remus, crowding him against the closed door.  Both of Sirius’s hands were holding Remus’s shoulders, and they were so close their noses were nearly touching. Sirius’s warmth was everywhere.  Remus felt his brain short circuit - his heart started racing in a way it hadn’t in fourteen years, and he was suddenly aware of how intense Sirius’s gaze was.  

“I really, really missed you, Remus.”

Sirius’s breath smelled like Firewhisky and familiarity, and Remus felt his self control begin to slip.  Inhaling and hating himself so, so much, Remus mustered a whisper,

“You should go to bed, Sirius.”

Then using the last of his control, Remus gave Sirius a small push away before slipping past him.  He begins to walk to his bedroom, telling his disappointed, aroused body that the situation would have been disastrous - pleasurable, but disastrous.

He had made it halfway before Sirius- impulsive, fearless, Sirius - grabbed him.  Pinning Remus against the wall and taking his face in his hands, Sirius kissed Remus with a desperate ferocity.

And Remus, who had been so lonely and so longing, kissed him back just as eagerly, his head spinning and blood racing from the feel of Sirius’s warm lips on his.

The kiss was hungry and desperate, and Sirius ran his hands down Remus, gripping his hips and pulling him closer.  Sirius backed Remus against the wall, where he began to move his mouth down the werewolf’s neck. Remus was gasping, terribly aroused, hands in Sirius’s hair, as Sirius placed hot, open-mouthed kisses on his neck.  He could feel Sirius’s erection pressing against his hip.

“Remus, I missed you so much, you feel so _good,”_ Sirius growled.

“Sirius,” Remus gasped.  “Sirius wait-”

In his hazy thoughts, Remus tried to remember that _Sirius was drunk_ , that he wasn’t in his right mind, but that was so hard to do when the other man’s mouth was moving lower.

“ _Sirius_ ,” Remus finally said, pushing him away.  “We- we can’t do this now.”

Sirius’s eyes were wide and his lips and cheeks were flushed.  Remus swallowed at the sight. Sirius’s hands were still on Remus’s hips.  

“Why not?” Sirius said, eyes narrowing.

“Because you’re drunk, and we can’t think straight.”

“I’m not that drunk,” Sirius said.  “I’m sober enough to know that I want this.  I wanted this for- Merlin, Remus, you have _no idea._ ”

“This really isn’t a good idea, Sirius.  To start something like this.”

“Why the hell not?” Sirius said, voice rising.  “We both care for each other, and we both clearly want this.”

“It’s not that easy! It’s been fourteen years, Sirius! _”_

“What does that matter?”

“Because- do you have any idea how long it took to get over you?!  How incredibly painful it was?!”

Silence fell like an axe at those words.  The two men stared at each other. Finally, Sirius said,

“Are you over me?”

Remus choked a laugh, looking away.

“Clearly not as much as I thought.”

“Remus.” Sirius’s voice was soft.  “I know a lot has happened. And I know it’s not going to be like how it was before.  But please,” he urged. “If you give us a chance, I know we can be happy.”

“I can’t, Sirius.  Not again.”

A cold silence fell between them.

“Fine,” Sirius said.  “If that’s what you really want.”  He stalked off to the spare bedroom.  The door slammed shut.

Remus, overwhelmed by too many feelings to examine, sunk to the floor and buried his face in his hands.  He knew he did the right thing. There were too many years of mistrust, miscommunication, and unspoken barriers between them.  Reigniting what he had with Sirius meant inevitably unearthing the grief and pain from fourteen years ago that Remus had tried so, so hard to bury, to move on from.  Of years of loneliness, depression, and unaddressed anger.

Yet some part of him knew one couldn’t just overrule their own feelings.  And he knew that deep down, despite believing he was a criminal, despite burying his feelings in hate and blame, some part of him would always be in love with Sirius Black.


	2. Chapter 2

The next few days passed with a tense politeness between them.  They took turns with the cooking, the cleaning, and they filled the silence with polite small talk.  Afterwards, they carefully stayed out of each others’ way.

Neither of them mentioned that night.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Sirius stared at himself in the dusty mirror.  His hair was long and tangled again, almost to his elbows.  Stubble dusted his pale cheeks.

With a wave of his wand, Sirius cast a shaving spell, which slowly siphoned away the messy stubble.  Once that was finished, he examined his face, his hair. Then, after a long moment, he picked up his wand.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

_1977 - Hogwarts_

 

_“Sirius?  What are you doing?”_

_“What does it look like, Moony?  I needed a trim just about now.”_

_“Ah. I see.”_

_Sirius was in front of the bathroom sink, with nothing but a towel around his waist.  He was in deep concentration, wand out, as he was maneuvering his haircutting spell around his head.   Remus, who was a little behind Sirius, took the time to admire Sirius’s fit figure; broad shoulders built with muscle from years of Quidditch tapered down to his waist, his bum.  In the mirror, he could see Sirius’s finely structured face, with heavy-lidded grey eyes, high cheekbones, and full lips, which were curled in a smirk at the sight of Remus staring._

_“See something you like?”_

_Remus flushed and looked away.  They had been together for a month, yet Remus was still not used to Sirius’s flirtation._

_“Done!” Sirius said, turning around and grinning.  “What do you think, Moony?”_

_It was done in Sirius’s usual style, thick black hair reaching just under his chin.  He looked beautiful as ever, of course. Not that he would ever tell Sirius that._

_“It looks, well, good,” Remus said._

_Sirius raised his eyebrows._

_“Just good?” he said with a grin.  “Not ‘terribly handsome,’ or ‘unbearably gorgeous?’”  Sirius was walking closer to Remus. Remus scoffed._

_“You’re quite full of yourself, did you know?”_

_Sirius put his arms around Remus’s waist._

_“I prefer to think of it as honesty.”_

_“Of course you do, you prat.”  But Remus’s heart was skipping wildly at the sight of Sirius’s almost-naked body coming closer to his.  Then, Sirius leaned in and pressed his lips against Remus, and Remus mind was wiped blank as he got lost in the feeling of Sirius’s soft mouth on his, of their bodies pressing together._

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

When Remus saw Sirius walk into the kitchen, his stomach flipped.  Sirius had cropped off his hair, leaving it just above his shoulders.  His face was clean-shaven and smooth.

He looked younger and painfully familiar.  Almost like his old self at Hogwarts.

Sirius noticed Remus staring, and his mouth quirked into a smile.

“You couldn’t expect me to keep myself that shaggy forever, could you?”

“I guess not,” Remus said softly.

“Do you like it?  I went a little longer on the hair than I used to, but it’s more fitting, don’t you feel?”

“I suppose so.”

Remus went back to his papers, but he found himself unable to concentrate.   _It’s just a haircut_ , he told himself.   _He spent months on the run, and now he has a chance to clean up.  That’s all._ But the nostalgia had hit him terribly hard, and his feelings were digging their way up.  The fact that it only made Sirius even more handsome did nothing to help either.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

_It was the middle of that night in the cottage when Sirius barged into Remus’s bedroom, taking long strides across the room to get to Remus, who was still curled in his bed._

_“Sirius, what’s wrong-”_

_Remus’s words were cut off by Sirius, who climbed into the bed and kissed him hard on the mouth, tasting like the Firewhisky and smoke, just like several nights ago.  Remus, who had been holding back for so long, melted into the kiss and sunk back onto the bed, bringing Sirius with him. All doubts, all hesitations he had about Sirius dissolved away, until all that was left was Remus’s pounding heart and desire for the man in front of him.  He was utterly lost in Sirius, in the heat of their bodies, in the feel of those familiar, plush lips, of those hands that traveled downwards to grip his thighs. His legs spread and wrapped around Sirius’s torso, and he gasped when their erections rubbed against each other. Sirius began moving above him, and Remus tilted his head back and moaned._

_“Remus,” Sirius groaned.  “You feel so good- I missed you, I missed this so, so much.”_

_“Sirius,” Remus gasped.  One of Remus’s hands curled itself in Sirius’s hair.  Sirius’s words in his ear were pure bliss, and even after all these years Sirius was so so beautiful-_

_Hands were pulling, tugging at clothes, and before he knew it, Remus’s shirt was being lifted off by Sirius’s eager hands, and thrown on the floor.  Sirius then pulled off his own shirt and tossed it away while Remus unbuttoned his trousers._

_Remus moaned at the feeling of Sirius’s bare chest against his, and there was only the fabric of their boxers between them as they rubbed up against each other.  Sirius loomed above him, grey eyes hazy, lips swollen, as he swooped in for another long kiss. One of Sirius’s hands slid down Remus’s body, toying with the hem of his boxers, before slipping under and grabbing his hard cock._

_Pleasure shot through Remus like a drug, and he gasped, utterly intoxicated by the man on top of him, stroking his cock.  Sirius’s hand was relentless, and Remus could feel his restraint growing weaker and weaker, his mind winding higher and higher._

_“Sirius, I’m gonna- you’re gonna make me come-_ Sirius- _”_

 

Remus shot out of bed, panting, flushed and hard.  It was still dark - only a few hours had passed since he had went to sleep.  He scrambled out of bed and grabbed the glass of water by his bedside. Hand trembling, he quickly gulped down the glass before setting it down and running a hand over his face and sighing, long and hard.  There was no going back to sleep now. Remus paced the room, trying to sort his mixed thoughts. _It will do no good to think of him_ , Remus thought.   _It’s a chapter of the past long closed._

 _But does it have to be?_ another part of him chimed in.   _And if Sirius feels the same way…_

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of his door opening.

“Remus?  It sounded like you were up,” Sirius said, walking in the room, wand alit.  “Are you okay?”

Remus jumped in surprise.  

“Yeah.  Yeah, I’m fine.”

Remus felt grey eyes examining him with a frown.  Sirius walked closer, and Remus felt his heart jump.   _Just like in the dream_ , he automatically thought, and his body began to race with excitement.  Sirius lifted a hand to touch Remus’s cheek, brows furrowed in concern.

“Your face is flushed.  Do you feel alright?” he asked, voice soft.

Remus’s heart was stammering.  He felt like a bloody sixth year again.  Their bodies were so close, Sirius’s hand was warm-

“Y-yes.  I’m fine.”

“Alright.”  Sirius’s eyes were soft.  His hand was still on his cheek.  “You should go back to bed then.”

In the faint distance, a dove cooed.  The moonlight glowed off of Sirius’s skin, and Remus cleared his throat.

“Yes.  I should,” he replied, turning around.  “And you should too.” Behind him, grey eyes looked disappointed.

“Alright,” Sirius said, voice curt.  “Good night, Remus.”

“Goodnight,” Remus said softly.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

“I’m going for a walk,” Sirius declared one morning.

Remus frowned, peering over _The Prophet._  

“A walk?  What for?”

Sirius shrugged in nonchalance.

“Just to stretch the legs a bit.  Get some fresh air.”

Remus felt worry curdle in his stomach at that.  His thoughts immediately jumped to the worst - one stroke of bad luck, and Sirius would be carted off back to Azkaban, this time for good.

“Sirius, I don’t think it’s safe for you.  You should stay inside for now.”

Sirius sighed impatiently, running a hand through his hair.

“Moony, I’ve been stuck inside for _days_ now, it’s driving me mad.  A short walk won’t kill me.”

Remus flushed in angry embarrassment at the emphasis on _days._  Did Sirius already grow tired of him in what had been less than a week?

“Dumbledore told you to lie low here.  It’s for your own safety,” Remus said with a forced calm.

Sirius snorted.

“Of course you would go along perfectly with what Dumbledore said.  Remus, always the stickler for the rules.”

Remus felt indignance flare up at that - _who was the one that turned a blind eye to all your silly pranks and hexing?  Who helped you with the Map, the process of becoming Animagi? Who, ultimately, could never ever say no to you?_  Yet he quashed such thoughts immediately and tried to uphold his rationality.

“Well, seeing as the rules are to protect you from getting thrown back into Azkaban, I think they’re good to live by.”

“Remus, I’ll be _fine._  I know how to look out for myself.  I did so for a year, didn’t I?” Sirius said, growing increasingly frustrated.  

“I’m just trying to keep you safe-”

“Well, I don’t need you mothering me like this.”

 _Mothering?_  Rage surged within Remus.

“I’m not- this is to make sure you don’t do something reckless and foolish, Sirius, like you’re prone to do!”

A tense silence followed those words.  Sirius brought himself to his full height and walked closer to Remus, glaring down at him.

“I’m perfectly capable of not getting myself recognized in the middle of bloody nowhere.  Have a little more faith in me for once, why don’t you?” There was venom in the words _for once,_ which did not go unnoticed to Remus.  Remus glared back and did not break the stare.

“I’m not sorry for worrying for your safety, Sirius.”

Sirius let out a derisive laugh

“Of all the things you might still feel for me, you feel _worry_ ,” he said, voice rising in anger.

“Sirius-”

The two of them stared at each other, gazes heated with frustration.

“Merlin, Remus, you’re driving me mad.”

For a wild second, the look Sirius gave Remus reminded him of the one he used to have before grabbing him roughly and kissing him.  As Remus stared, transfixed in anticipation, he was shocked when Sirius only sighed, turned around and stalked away, before swinging open the front door and leaving the cottage.  The door slammed shut.

Remus blinked, feeling mildly dazed.  Then, realizing what the man had done, Remus ran to the door and threw it open, only to see a large black dog disappear among the trees.

“Siri- Padfoot!” Remus shouted, catching himself from shouting the fugitive’s name.  “Padfoot, come back!” But there was no answer.

Remus groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose.  Before grabbing his coat and taking off after Sirius.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah, sirius, running away from your man. :( thank you guys for reading!! <3 as ever, kudos and comments are loved and appreciated!


	3. Chapter 3

_ 1978 - Hogwarts _

 

_ At first, it had been physical.  Behind velvet curtains in bed, inside broom closets in empty hallways.  Kissing, touching, groping, fucking. But for Sirius, before he knew it, their deep friendship and physical attraction to each other melded and bloomed into the foreign feelings of love. _

_ For Remus, he knew those two things had been merged for years by now.  Remus, whose outward shyness and insecure hesitation towards Sirius so deeply understated how madly in love with the boy he was. _

_ As the relationship progressed, both were aware of how their physical relationship was growing more into a romantic one, although neither of them acknowledged this.  Their kisses were softer and sweeter. The feelings in their chest weren’t just lust, but lighter, giddier feelings as well, feelings that made Remus want to snuggle into Sirius, or kiss him on the nose.   _

_ But at Remus’s insistance, their vague, undefined relationship was kept completely under wraps.  They snuggled together at night, but didn’t hold hands in public. They kissed and touched in broom closets, but acted like good friends in classrooms. _

_ They’ve said I love you, but avoid walking alone together in public spaces. _

_ It’s not that Sirius hadn’t tried being more daring.  Brash, fearless Sirius - if it were up to him, they would be snogging in the Great Hall, for all the students, teachers, the world to see.  Sirius, who could never truly bottle up or hold back his feelings. But he tried, for Remus. _

_ One day, Remus was more off than usual.  The full moon was approaching, explaining his pale, peaky visage.  But it wasn’t just that - worries had been gnawing on Remus for a while, worries regarding his relationship with Sirius.  These didn’t become apparent to Sirius until the conversation about Hogsmeade. _

_ “Remus, I was, er, wondering if you wanted to come along with me to Hogsmeade this weekend?” Sirius asked one night, as they were snuggled in Sirius’s bed. _

_ Remus, whose eyes were closed, smiled. _

_ “Isn’t that what we always do, Padfoot?” _

_ “No- not with James and Peter this time, but, well,  just us two.” After a moment’s hesitation, Sirius added, “like a date.” _

_ Remus opened his eyes and stared into Sirius’s earnest grey ones.  Silence followed the question - Remus felt those dampening, cold doubts curling in his stomach.  Finally, he said, _

_ “I don’t know, Sirius.” _

_ “Oh,” Sirius said, disappointment in his tone. _

_ “It’s just,” Remus sighed, running a hand through his hair.  “Do you think this- us- is a good idea sometimes?” _

_ Sirius frowned. _

_ “Of course I do.  I love you. We love each other.  You know that.” _

_ “Yes but - I don’t know, Sirius, don’t take this the wrong way - but sometimes it’s hard to see this working out.  In the long term, I mean.” _

_ Another silence followed.  The air grew tense. _

_ “What do you mean?” Sirius said, voice cold. _

_ “It’s just that- we’re completely different.  I don’t want to drag you down or anything-” _

_ “Remus, if you’re talking about your lycanthropy, you  _ know _ I don’t give a fuck about any of that.” _

_ “But I do!” Remus cried.  “You have your whole future ahead of you!  You’re smart, talented, handsome, and a pureblood on top of that.  You’re whole. And you deserve someone whole too.” Remus sat up straight, dislodging Sirius’s arm from his shoulders.  He felt all the queasy doubts, the guilt, that had been lying in his gut for months begin to pour out. “I’m a werewolf, a half-breed.  Not to mention a half-blood. You know I won’t- I won’t exactly be flooded with job offers once I leave Hogwarts.” Sirius opened his mouth to speak, but Remus sped on.  “And on top of that, we’re guys. How many gay wizard couples do you know of, Sirius? Can’t you see? Being with me is only going to drag you down!” _

_ Sirius’s grey eyes were blazing, and when he finally spoke, low anger filled his voice. _

_ “So this is why you’re so scared to be with me,” Sirius said.  “Why you don’t want to go public, or at least tell fucking James or Peter.  Merlin, this is why you won’t even hold my hand in front of anyone.” Sirius sat up straight, and faced the pained boy next to him.  “Remus, I chose to be with you. You know I don’t give the slightest of damns what anybody else thinks of us, or anything for that matter.  The only one of us, of the Marauders, who cares about any of those things is you. This is my  _ choice _.” _

_ “Well, it’s not a very good one.  I can’t- I can’t let you.” _

_ “Remus, I’ll be fine.  I’ll get a decent job, and besides that, I have enough money from my inheritance.  I’ll be able to take care of the both of us-” _

_ “I don’t want to be your charity case.” _

_ “It’s not a charity case! I’m doing it because I love you!” _

_ The boys stared at each other, uncertain brown eyes into fierce grey.  Remus bit his lip and looked down. Finally, he said, _

_ “Okay.  We’ll try it out for now.” _

_ Remus knew those words highly understated his own feelings for Sirius.  It wasn’t that Remus didn’t love him. Remus knew he was madly in love. How could he not?  Sirius was brave, reckless, intelligent, and one of the most passionate, loving people he ever met.  Everything about their relationship was what Remus had dreamed of for years. Ever since the Marauders first showcased their Animagus talents, and Remus had stared, feeling weak with shock.  Ever since James said  _ “it was all Sirius’s idea, he badgered me and Peter into it,” _ and Sirius grinned like a rogue and said,  _ “Anything for you, Moony.” _  That was when Remus knew he was a goner. _

_ It wasn’t that Remus didn’t love Sirius enough - it was that Remus loved him too much, to the point where he wanted to protect Sirius from anything.  Even if it was from himself.  _

_ But Remus wasn’t perfect. _

_ So later, when the two of them went off to Hogsmeade and Sirius snogged Remus in the middle of the Three Broomsticks, tasting of spice and Butterbeer, all Remus could do was blush shyly and kiss Sirius back.  When Sirius announced their relationship to James and Peter, and James snorted and said to Peter, “I knew it all along, you owe me five Galleons,” all Remus could do was grin, finally happy to reveal the truth to their best friends.  And for many, many years to come, until that terrible day at Godric’s Hollow, Remus found himself unable to leave Sirius’s side. _

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

Present Day

 

“Padfoot!  Where are you!   _ Padfoot!” _  Remus shouted, voice growing hoarse.  It had been hours, and there was no sign of the bearlike dog.  The forest was getting darker, the woods growing thicker, and Remus was growing increasingly worried.  He cursed himself for not throwing a Tracking Spell at Sirius before he darted off. This whole thing was getting ridiculous - only Sirius would take off after an argument in such a petty manner.  

But whenever Remus found himself out of breath, exhausted, and tempted to quit the futile challenge of finding Sirius, he thought of someone else finding Sirius and sending him back to Azkaban, and immediately regained his energy.

Finally, by a miraculous stroke of luck, Remus found a black mound of fur curled at the foot of a large tree.  Remus sighed in relief and ran to the dog.

“Padfoot!  There you are, you arse,” Remus said.  

The dog didn’t move.  

“Well, let’s get going then.  It’s going to be completely dark soon.”  

Still, the dog did not budge.

Remus sighed, exasperated with the dramatics.  It was already awkward talking to Sirius when he was in dog form - the fact that said dog was completely ignoring him did not help matters.

“Padfoot, c’mon, please, let’s go home.  Do you have any idea how exhausting it was to find you in the first place?

The dog glared at Remus, and finally transformed back into Sirius, surly and looming.

“Who said I wanted to be found?” Sirius said, eyes narrowed.

“Sirius-” Remus hissed, alarmed at his human form.  “What are you doing? What if someone sees-”

“Nobody is going to see me.  We’re bum fuck in the middle of nowhere.”

“Stop being childish, Sirius.  Now let’s go home.”

“And what?” Sirius said, voice rising.  “Stay cooped up inside for days on end? Avoid each other for Merlin knows how long until Dumbledore gives you permission to kick me out?  Which I know you’re dying for.”

The words hit Remus like a slap.  He stared, stunned momentarily into silence.

“You’re being ridiculous,” Remus said, fighting to keep his voice steady.  “This isn’t- I’m not dying for you to leave, Sirius.” Once Remus said the words, he realized just how truthful they were.  Despite the tense moments, the awkwardness, he didn’t want Sirius to leave him. Again.

“Really?  Well, you sure are fooling me.  You don’t even want to be around me.”

“That’s not true.”

“Bullshit,” Sirius snarled.  “Do you have any idea, any idea at all, how painful it is being around you?  Knowing you don’t want me? Or worse, that you might, but you’re just too bloody self-sacrificing, too  _ noble _ , to try?”

“We can’t always get what we want, Sirius,” Remus said softly.

“Says the man who never had the courage to go after what he wants.”  
Shock and angry indignance surged in Remus at that.

“Courage?  I- I’m a  _ werewolf _ , Sirius, excuse me for not being selfish enough to-”

“Why is it always your lycanthropy?  Why must you always find reasons for us to not be together?  Bloody hell, Remus-”

“Well, this time around, it’s not just that.  We’re- we’re too broken, Sirius.  _ I’m _ too broken.  It’s not like how it was when we were seventeen.  You know that.”

When Sirius didn’t respond, Remus continued.  “And there’s another war coming. People are going to die.  And- and if I lose you again, Sirius, I swear-” his voice broke.  He took a deep breath, regaining control. “I won’t be able to handle it.  Not again.”

Night had fallen by now in the forest, which Remus just took notice of.  An owl hooted in the distance. 

When Sirius spoke, his voice was hoarse.

“Remus…”  

“Don’t, Sirius.”

Sirius stepped closer, closer to Remus.  Remus stared up at Sirius, the moonlight illuminating his weathered face that hadn’t lost the aristocratic handsomeness from his youth. When Sirius spoke, his voice, low and soft, sent shivers down Remus’s spine.  “I know things changed. We’ve both been to hell and back, and we’re not the young men we were. I know we’re both damaged. But I still love you. More than anything. That hasn’t changed.” Sirius put a hand on Remus’s shoulder.  “Do you still love me, Remus?”

The night air was cold, and Sirius’s warm hand seemed to burn into Remus’s skin.

“Yes,” Remus said, looking down.  He was unable to lie. “Always.”

And when Sirius tipped up Remus’s chin with his hand and moved in closer, Remus didn’t protest.

And when their lips met, soft and sweet, Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius to pull him closer.  Sirius let out a deep sigh through his nose and mumbled  _ Remus _ between their lips, and kissed him deeply, passionately, the only way Sirius knew how to approach anything in life.  

 

 

* * *

 

 

Remus Apparated them back to the cottage.  It’s a wonder he didn’t splinch something, judging by how distracting Sirius was being with his hands and mouth. 

They stumbled through the front door, mouths sliding over each other and hands grabbing.  Sirius pulled Remus’s jumper over his head, and it fell on the floor somewhere as Sirius grabbed at Remus’s waist, hands sliding over bare skin.  Remus yanked off Sirius’s sweater as well, while Sirius made work of his trousers. They made their way to the bedroom, and Remus fell back into bed, bringing Sirius with him, bed groaning under the movement.

Remus’s mind raced with lust as their bare torsos meet.   _ This is it, _ he thought,  _ this is what I wanted, for so, so long.   _ He felt high in a way he only ever has with Sirius, as Sirius pressed wet, hot kisses down Remus’s neck.  Gasps and moans escaped Remus’s mouth as Sirius’s hand brushed over Remus’s bulge, and began to rub.

“Remus,” Sirius breathed.  “Take your pants off.” Remus immediately obliged and tugged off his trousers and underwear, as Sirius did the same.  Once they’re both completely naked, Sirius climbs over Remus and stares down at him, eyes hungry with lust. 

“Merlin,” Sirius whispered.  “I’ve missed you, Remus.” And his lips pressed into Remus’s, hot mouths opening for each other.  Remus ran his hands over Sirius’s shoulders, his chest, his torso. When he wrapped his legs around Sirius, Sirius gasped and groaned, as their bare cocks rubbed up against each other.  

They touched each other, reacquainted each other with their bodies, for what could have been hours or minutes.  Every movement from Sirius sent sparks through Remus.

And when Sirius entered him, Remus gasped and clutched Sirius’s shoulders harder.  Sirius began to move, making all coherent thought melt in his mind. Their breaths mingled, melded, as they whispered sweet praises into each other’s lips.  Sirius’s hand moved over Remus’s cock, working him up higher and higher.

And when Remus climaxed, Sirius quickly following, he felt his mind white out.  Only one thought filled his head.  _ All real _ , he thought dazedly.   _ None of this is a dream anymore. _

Later that night, after Remus gave them both quick cleansing spells and pulled the comforter over them, Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus the way he used to in the Hogwarts four-poster beds.  In his sleepy daze, Sirius murmured into Remus’s ear,  _ this is our second chance Moony, I know it is.  We’ll make it through the war. One day… one day, we’ll have the future we always wanted… _

Deep down, some part of Remus knew that this would never happen.  That they were a pair of lovers doomed from the start, if the First War hadn’t proved that enough.  But for now, in the arms of the man who he had never stopped loving, who, in the end, he could never refuse, he so, so badly wanted to believe in it.  In his deepest, innermost desire. 

And Remus, who was filled with a sleepy bliss, chose to believe it.  Even for just the one night.

So he did.

  
  


_ ~Fin _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is it! thank you for reading this story, guys :') wolfstar will forever be a part of my heart, and it felt good to write this (albeit angsty) fic <3

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading my work! this will be a multi-chapter fic, but i promise a happy ending. you didn't expect remus to cave so easily, did you? ;)
> 
> all kudos and comments are greatly loved and appreciated!


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